My childhood would not be what you would describe as traditional. My mother had me when she was 19 years old and single. I spent my early years living with her in my grandparent’s house. While there was no shortage of love or attention for me, there was also not a shortage of dysfunction. It was an alcoholic home with plenty of arguing and fighting.
My mom married my stepfather when I was four and had my sister when I was six. They divorced when I was nine. My mother moved from Pittsburgh to Cincinnati with my soon to be new stepfather before I started middle school, but I stayed with my grandparents. Again, I was taken care of, but my grandparents didn’t have much money, didn’t give me much discipline, and being away from my mother and sister was hard through my middle school years. If you add in the fact that my mother was starting to develop an addiction to alcohol herself, it has an emotionally turbulent time.
The end result of all of this was that I had a deep sense of insecurity. In fact, I would say the search throughout my life was for security, consistency. Someone to put me first, to make everything okay. I grew up with the sense that everybody will leave and that I had to do more, be more, be perfect to keep people around me.
These fears and insecurities paved the way for poor relationship decisions as I entered my late teens. The more I searched, the further away it seemed to be, confirming the sense that something was wrong with me deep inside. And as I looked for acceptance, but believed I would be rejected, it came true. This put me in a great deal of pain for much of my early twenties. I remember a time after I had graduated from college, had a job, my whole life ahead of me, and yet I was so filled with emotional pain that I didn’t know how I was going to get through the day.
It was about this time that I started going to a group called Al-Anon. This group is specifically for people who are around addicts, like an alcoholic. Through this program, I learned to love but still distance myself from my mother. I learned to rely more on God as my higher power. It made my days more manageable, and yet the pain, the darkness, was still there. I was still making poor decisions. In fact, they seemed to just keep getting worse. My outlook on life, marriage, and relationships was becoming increasingly jaded.
When I was 24 years old, I moved to Tulsa, Oklahoma for work. While the new job was going well, I was still in a lot of pain, shame and unhappiness. I didn’t know the way out, but I was certainly looking.
When I was 25, a co-worker invited me to church. I finally accepted after several invitations. He had been telling me about Jesus for a few weeks. It was a topic I dismissed as way too personal, but one thing I did notice about this guy was that he was happy. He had peace. I didn’t know why, but I knew that he was different. I had very little knowledge of God, Jesus, or the church. We never went to church growing up and Easter and Christmas were simply celebrated as holidays, without religious significance.
When I went that day, there was a visiting pastor who seemed to speak directly into my life about pain and rejection, relief and peace. I didn’t understand most of his references or his jokes, but when he asked people to make a decision to accept the free gift of love and forgiveness being offered to them, I knew it was time. Again, I didn’t know what this meant. All that I knew was that I was done. I had tried my best, done what I thought was right and it really wasn’t working very well. While things looked fine on the outside, I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I wasn’t really happy and I didn’t have much hope for it. I felt separated from the joy I saw in others.
I raised my hand to say that I would accept and they asked me to walk to the front of the church in front of about 800 people. I almost walked out. The only thing that stopped me was that I hadn’t driven and would have no way to get home. In the end, I went to the front of the church. It was embarrassing, it was worth it In fact, it was the best decision I’ve ever made.
As crazy as it may seem, I changed. I had some knowledge about Jesus’ life and death on the cross and that it was for our sins. But for the first time, I was willing to accept that it was for me. I was willing to accept that love and His forgiveness. Really, what did I have to lose? I had made a mess of things and I was willing to see if this was the right path.
In a matter of days, God started to heal my heart of the hurts of the past. I started to put my hope and trust in Him. By doing that, I could release other people. I didn’t have to demand my needs from others, I just relied upon God to meet them. Sometimes He did it through those around me, sometimes He didn’t. I was able to accept God as my heavenly Father who would never let me down, so I was able to release my step fathers as good men who had done the best they could in the situations they were in. I didn’t need for them to be perfect, because I already had perfect.
Through Christ, I found the one person who was going to put me first, make me the priority, and ensure that everything was going to be alright. He broke through my rejection by accepting me. He brought my real father into my life and used him to break through my fear of abandonment. He gave me my husband to show me that true and happy marriages exist. He gave me my children and allowed me to redeem my past through them by giving them a two-parent home, filled with love, security, protection, and Christ. Through my mother’s death, He’s shown me that He is sovereign, He has everything under control and that I will be okay, even through the worst pain. And as I’ve continued to walk with him for almost 20 years, He has taken me deeper. Through trials, disappointments, pain, and perseverance, He has shown me that I can be strong through Him, rely upon Him for the answers and guidance that I need, and that I can find joy and peace even at the hardest times. In the end, what it comes down to is that I am not alone. I don’t have to figure it all out. I can trust. I can have peace. I have faith.
My greatest desire has always been for those that I love to know that acceptance and peace, that forgiveness. He forgave me of all of the sins and shame of the past and allowed me to walk free, full of light and grace. It was the purest and happiest I have ever felt in my life. I don’t wonder where I am going. I don’t have a fear of when I meet God.
It is with the greatest sincerity and pure heart, that I ask you to consider Jesus and what He offers to you. Not what the church, the nuns, the priests, and the world says He offers. Set aside all the preconceived notions. and truly consider what He offers- Love, forgiveness, and peace. The price has been paid, He’s just waiting for you to receive His gift.