My entire life was about me. Everything I did, everything I thought, everything I said, every relationship with other people…it was all about my own comfort, desires and pleasure. It’s not that I was a horrible monster, hated by all. I was a “pretty good guy” by most standards. I was smart enough to play the game, to go through the motions of loving people.
But the reality was that I was empty inside. I did not feel lovable. I had been in church most of my life, and knew about God. I knew some of the stories about Jesus. I had heard that He died for me. I had probably heard that He loved me. I really don’t remember whether I understood that or not. I certainly didn’t think about it.
Mostly to me, God was this perfect being who had to be pretty unhappy with me because I did things that were wrong. I didn’t understand the freedom that comes as a result of His grace and forgiveness. I didn’t understand that while He recognized my sin, that Jesus died to pay the penalty for that sin and that my offenses against God have been destroyed. Not just overlooked, but completely and utterly obliterated.
Now that I am living in Christ, I am not perfect. I still do things that are wrong, but life is very different now. The pressure is gone. The fear of failure is gone. I know a God who is absolutely passionately in love with every one of us, and just as importantly, I am learning to see others through that lens. People are no longer a means for my desires to be fulfilled, but rather dearly loved children of the Almighty God.
I struggle with the broken state of our world. I long for God to eradicate evil once and for all. I cringe when I see suffering, especially involving children. But I also know that our God, His love and His plan are infinitely perfect, and therefore I can rest in the knowledge that one day all will be made whole again.