Hi, my name is Brenda. I lived in a community where my family was the only black family within a 56 mile radius…imagine the fun I had as a kid in school. I grew up in a domestic violence environment. Even though I gave my life to Christ at 10 years old, this was a major struggle with me. I attended church all the time (something my mother made sure we did), but then how could a God of love let my mother go through something like this? Dad was an alcoholic who constantly abused my mother. Both my brother (who is 4 years younger than me) and I witnessed him breaking her nose…giving her a fat lip and black eyes…but the worst was seeing him pull a loaded gun on her. My poor brother at about 10 years old ran about 1/2 mile down the road; in the middle of summer in 100 degree plus heat on blazing asphalt barefooted to contact the county Sheriff only to have my mother downplay it when he arrived. Not only was my mother abused, I was sexually abused by my father while I was sleeping. I didn’t understand what the strange things I was feeling while I was sleep was all about until well into my adult years and God revealed it.
Fast forward in to my early adult years. At age 18, I moved to Kansas City right out of High School and met a gentleman in the church I was going to. He seemed like a decent person until I became involved with him. I saw the signs, I saw the red flags, but because of my pride; wanting to show everyone that I could make it on my own I ignored them. Unfortunately for me, he too was an abuser. I was beaten by him so bad that I miscarried and lost a baby at 13 weeks into the pregnancy. All this happening while another woman he had brought into the house sat and watched. We ended up homeless for awhile because of the stupid things he was doing and at times, the only thing I could afford to eat was Lemonhead and Cherry Chan candy because he had beaten me and taken all the cash that I had, in order to spend it on women and drugs. But God had his hand on me.
I went through another relationship which after 5 years of dating, my boyfriend all of a sudden announced that he didn’t love me anymore and was marrying someone else. After this fiasco, I thought that I would be alone for the rest of my life, but then another person walked into it. We were married for about 10 years before tragedy struck. He had been having issues dealing from his childhood which carried over into the marriage. We separated for awhile before he was able to discuss with me what was going on, but by the time I was able to settle in and begin to work with him, I found him deceased in our home…heart issues were the cause. To add more salt to the wound, I would be scammed by an internet scammer…what is called these days “Catfish” right after my husband’s death. I was so hurt and broken, that this person in Nigeria, who claimed to be an American soldier based in Iraq wiggled his way into my life to destroy it. “BUT GOD!!!!!” $4,000 later and in debt, God revealed the truth and cut that relationship off quickly! I am now married to the most wonderful man in the world…one who loves God with all his heart, soul and mind.
It was a few years ago when I was called into full time ministry that God began to deal harshly with me in the area of forgiveness. I had to learn to forgive everyone in my life that had hurt me in one way or another and truly let God love me. It was God’s hand that kept me from being killed at the hand of my 1st husband, and God’s hand that kept me from killing him in an attempt to protect myself from another beating. It was God’s hand that kept from me falling apart after the dissolve of a 5 year relationship. It was God’s hand that held me up after finding my husband of 10 years deceased without any warning and having my emotions and heart violated by someone who was out for monetary gain and didn’t care that someone’s life was being destroyed. I had to surrender these things to God. It meant that I had to give up control of them and myself to God and let him begin to replace my broken, shattered and destroyed heart with his. Sometimes we have to give up control in order to gain it. It was only then that I could fully function in the power and authority that he had placed within me.
My complete healing came when I decided to write a book about my life. It brought a release of freedom that I was not expecting. But the book wasn’t and isn’t to glorify my ability to overcome these things, but to glorify my God for allowing me to go through these things because they were are blessings in disguise, which is what I named my book. It was because of these things that I can look back and see where he was leading my steps, even though at times I chose my own path to walk. But when I came back to where I walked off his path, he was there to place his hand on my shoulder and say, “Ok…you need to walk this way…I’m with you and I love you.” It was because of these storms in my life that I am the strong, powerful warrior of God that I am today.
I am now a Christian Psychologist who carries 3 doctorates, and I handle Pastoral Care in the wonderful congregation of which I’m a part of. The moral or meaning of my story is this: It doesn’t matter what you’ve been through or what you’re going through. It may seem like all hope is gone, and you feel the only way out is to end your life. I’ve been there and done that, and God wouldn’t allow it to happen. God has a plan and purpose for your life. You may not know what it is now, but he will reveal it to you if you allow him to come in and clean the garbage out of your closets and your house (spiritually speaking) and let it be filled with his Holy Spirit. My purpose is to live for God, follow him, and be his ambassador. And, in the process, crush the enemy every chance I get. Satan tried to take me out, but Jesus brought me out. Let Jesus bring you out of your situation and elevate you to high places your were meant to be at!!!!!