Shea M.

Shea M.

from MO
Story #382
What is life? No matter what I do I always find myself asking myself this one question. But I can never find the answer. I have lived for 19 years maybe I'll know when I'm 30 or 40 who knows it could be until I die. But what is my purpose here am I supposed to protect the one that come after me or is it for some unknown reason that life twists the way it does. I have lived a life that I don't regret some may see it as a sad one; some may see it as lucky. Me I see it has the path God chose for me. I believe he chooses where and who you're born to because he knows that you can handle it. And this is mine that he chose for me…

I was born on a Tuesday in the month of May. I was born the first child of my mother and the second child of my father. My existence wasn't planned. My mother was 22 when she gave birth my dad was 23. About a week later after I was born my parents got married. my grandfather forced my parents together because of me. Sometimes i wonder if I didn't exist would my parents be happy with someone else. There are so many possibilities on how life could have been different. If I was never born my brothers would have never been born. So, what is my purpose. My parents had a second but third child 3 years and a month in a half. The day he was born we visited the hospital I really don't remember but I do remember the feeling I had when I first touched him. I felt like the little boy who was in front of me needed me. He became my purpose that day on. I had to protect him. That same day I broke my foot I know here I am three years old wanting to protect my brother and i broke my foot. How funny is that? I guess it was God's way of telling me that I would have to faces trouble with him there.

As the years went by I found my life getting harder and harder. Our family was huge and we always did everything together but after my grandfather passed everything changed. You see My grandfather was like the glue that held us together after he passed we all scattered. And everything fell apart. My grandmother became sick and depressed my dad got more violent and my mother became more distant from us. It was just me and my brother. It was like that for 8 years. It got worse after I turned 10 my ounce happy parents got divorced the same day I came into this world. My dad was caught with my mother’s best friend. And the hardest thing was expecting everything. My parents got a dog to get my mind off it but it still lingered in the back of my mind that it was my fault. If I had kept my mouth shut they would still be together.

When I was 11 my mom found another guy and she ended up pregnant. I was excited to have another sibling but at the same time I didn't want this one. Well I guess God heard me and took my brother from us. He was born sick and was taken from my mother 2 months before his due date. He lived for a month before an infected bag of dialysis fluid killed him within 24 hours. I hated a God that I didn't know much about because he took my family and broke it more. The little part of my mom that noticed us died that day as well. We were in pieces that time we all hated God for taking my brother. I was supposed to protect him and I failed to do so. I hated myself for the stupid wish I made.

After he died I started to smoke and drink because no one was there to stop me. My dad didn't care and my mother was swallowed by the monster called loss. I hung around the wrong crowd and got in all kinds of trouble. It wasn't till I was 15 that I had a reality check. It was March 30, 2014 on a Sunday no less that I almost lost my life. I was a freshman in high school at the time. It all started at my dad's house I woke up like normal got dressed. We headed for my Mom’s about 230 we made a stop at Poncho's for lunch and after lunch we headed for moms it was about 300 when we got home. At 3:30 I decided to go outside with my German shepherd. We had fun for the first 10 minutes until my neighbor let her dogs and kids outside. That's when it went downhill from there. After a while I started to get a bad feeling. I decided to throw the ball one last time and head in, but fate had other plans after I threw the ball I heard the neighbor’s kids screaming so I turned around to see what was going on. That's when I noticed their black chow climbing the fence. By the time I had thought about running the dog was already headed my way. You think it would have gone after my dog, no this dog wanted me. I was bit 20 times, the worse one on my face. As I tried to fight the dog I thought about my life and what if I just stopped fighting.

I can remember this voice it was so calm and peaceful when it told me “what did I have to gain if I let go? Don't you know how important you are to them? Why give up now? What will he do without you there?” At the time, I didn't know what or who that voice belonged to. All I knew was I had to fight. After a while my dog came to my rescue. And everything stopped after that. It was like I had to go through it to see what life was. And it had me asking the same question what was my purpose. After that day it was as if my life started again. It was a month after that when my brother met this strange kid. I started to babysit his siblings when they offered me to go to church with them so I convinced my mother to go to church with me. The moment I walked in I felt like there was something waiting for me. That day I was saved. I accepted Christ for the first time. It felt like that sermon was meant for me and ever since I went to church. But the hardship did not end there. It wasn't shortly after that me and my dad got into fights and I left. After that I got a phone call from the hospital that my dad has been in an accident (I was 16 when I got the call) and they can't get in contact with his wife (my dad married my mom’s best friend plus my dad was diagnosed with poly-cystic kidney disease). I remember that I dropped the phone and ran out of the classroom. I had no idea where I was going but I just had to run. My dad wrecked their ford explorer and went off a twenty-foot embankment. If it hadn't been for a pedestrian my dad would have gone unnoticed. I almost lost my dad.

When I turned 17 my mother got pregnant again but it was an ectopic pregnancy and it was a rare case that ruptured my mother's tube. If my mother hadn’t gone to the hospital when she did I would have lost my mother. I could have lost both of my parents at the time. But not long after about 5 months later she ended up pregnant again. And this baby was healthy he was a blessing. I was 18 when he was born and ever since he was born it feels like I know my reason for being in placed in this family. I may not be able to protect them from everything, but I'm here to guide them to where they need to be and I can't really do it in my own strength, I have to fall back on God and trust in him to take care of things.

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