Well, welcome to my story! It starts out pretty typical. I’ve been growing up in the church since I was 3. I waited until I was 12 to get baptized because I refused to be typical. I didn’t want to get baptized until it meant something! Which it did, but only for about a year. Then I started the whole bare minimum with my relationship thing. You know what i mean. I went to church because I had to, I said ALL the right answers during church, and that’s where it ended. What everyone wasn’t aware of was that my life at home was FILLED with darkness. It started out with just lustful thoughts; grafic sexual books; then horrible pictures. I was stuck in this for what seemed like ages. This endless cycle of I can fix this by myself. I never wanted to end up where I was, I was just so anxious to feel loved by someone (or something) more than what my family was giving me. It was more stress relief than anything. Finally, I went to camp in 2015 and I was able to stop cold turkey!! Praise be to God! Yet, while I broke the chains on my wrists, the ones on my ankles were still tying me down. SO, what did I do next? My next sketchy move was to get a boyfriend. As I said, my relationship with God felt lukewarm, but in reality was just dead. Even after camp, nothing stuck. I went, was changed for a day or two, and then returned to most of my old ways. Anyway, I got an amazing boyfriend who I had swooned over for an entire year! I was thanking God for what he had given me. Claiming him as a gift from God when in reality I was the one who had put him there. Eventually, my boyfriend and I took a sharp turn in the exact opposite direction from God. Leaving me depressed, dejected, unsatisfied, and feeling utterly alone. I had no one to turn to it felt like because who wouldn’t judge me? Who would understand? No my perfect Christian friends. It was impossible… I felt so convicted with the double-life I was living, I broke up with my boyfriend almost a year after we started dating. Who still to this day breaks my heart because I am extremely connected with him. During this past year, I have cussed, and sexted; I have gossiped, and lied; I have snuck around, and hurt people; I have had a friends with benefits relationship, and I have denied God. Through all of that humongous mess, God still screamed to me, “I love you, and you are mine. I will NEVER let you go. Your sins are not too heavy for me because I already died for them. I ALREADY carried them for you. Every single one. You’re free!”
These past 6 months have been some of the best of my entire life. I didn’t necessarily need to go to camp to realize I need to make a change in my life. I just picked up my Bible and started reading a chapter at a time. Simple as that. Now-by the grace of God- I am able to share my testimony with other girls. Even allowing me to mentor others all while still being mentored. God is good all the time, and it will never change. Stop insulting God by questioning His power. If He can change someone as broken as me, He can change any person. We are made in His image and we are good!
I never understood why community was so important before, but there is an absolute reason why God says to have fellowship-to have community. Just as Moses needed help holding his arms above his head in battle so that Israel would win another battle, we all need a support team holding our arms up from are struggles. There is no new sin under the sun. Speak to someone about what you are going through because there is a 99.9% chance they have either been through it themselves, or they know someone who has. Give God your life and you will never regret it. True joy comes from God, and I am overflowing with it!
God bless!
-Rylee